It goes without saying that this blog entry is going to contain spoilers. I'll say it anyway just to avoid making an ass out of you and me about whether or not you realize that. So if you're not caught up on season 5 of "True Blood," all the way up to the episode entitled, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," then TURN BACK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!!! Otherwise, carry on.
Do not meddle in the blogs of nerdgirls, for they are unsubtle and quick to spoil you.
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INTRODUCTION
With three episodes left in this season of "True Blood," I'm noticing that the word on the Tweet is that my Trubies aren't quite pleased with how this season has turned out so far. This is a sentiment I tend to share. Don't get me wrong, it's still one of the better shows on TV, but it lacks a certain... bite. So after giving it some serious thought, I'm going to review the strengths and weaknesses of season 5, and what I think it's going to take in these last episodes to end on a high note.
Let's start with what went wrong, because that's always more fun.
THE AUTHORITY
I'm sorry, did we accidentally stumble into a meeting of the vampire PTA?
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This season finally unmasked the previously mysterious, faceless vampire entity, the Authority. And much like a newly sober individual staring into the face of their drunken Halloween hook-up from the night before, one can't help but scream, "Aaaahhh, put the mask back on, put the mask back on!" It turns out that the intimidating, powerful political force which has been causing even the unflappable bad boy, Eric Northman, twinges of well-coiffed fear is apparently made up of a vampire Detective Stabler, Barb from "Cougar Town," and a little kid who puts me in mind of MacCauly Culkin, circa "Home Alone." There are others, but that line-up right there is enough to knock them off their spooky pedestal.
Now, you put Vampire Cartman in charge and that's a show I'd watch all damn day.
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The biggest disappointment here was Christopher Meloni as the head of the Authority. Christopher Meloni is fantastic on "Law and Order: SVU." It's like he was genetically engineered to play the part of burly, brooding, down-to-earth Detective Elliot Stabler. But the very traits that work fantastically for an Irish Catholic cop with an aggressive streak seem anathema to all things vampire. This man has the face, body, and demeanor of the quintessential human beefcake. He's the quarterback of the football team, the fireman saving a baby from a burning building, or the blue collar working stiff shuffling home from the construction site. He doesn't have an ounce of spooky slink in that hulking frame, and that blocky head of his has no business wielding a set of fangs. You can dress the man up in as many pricey suits as you like, but he has none of the supernatural finesse we've come to expect in our more impressive vampires.
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm an insufferably dull vampire politician."
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But the epic fail that is the Vampire Authority is not all Meloni's fault. Sure, his political proselytizing is like a tranquilizer dart to the soul, but this whole plot reeked of lame from the moment it first began. The political in-fighting among the vampires was about as interesting as a Smurf quarrel over who's the bluest. It turns out that when you mix two polarizing topics like religion and politics into a show involving werewolves and vampires with too much of a heavy hand, it becomes more an exercise in torment than taboo. The plots, the factions, the twists... it's too difficult to take seriously when it's all coming from a nefarious organization that's more of a ragtag vampire GOP rather than the Illuminati-type organization wielding subtle yet pervasive world-wide influence that I'd been picturing up to this point. And without imposing ringleaders who can really bring home the import of the rival messages of the mainstreamers and the sanguinistas, it all just ends up being background chatter you have to sit through until you get to see Alcide shirtless again. What would they do without Joe Manganiello's six-pack to keep us from turning the channel?
Let's all just take a moment to enjoy the irony of Reverend Newlin's lost "reflections."
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"I believe things about stuff between bouts of screwing a guy I call my 'brother.' What's not to love?"
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The members of the Authority are not completely devoid of potential. Salome showed some early signs of being a promising character, what with her "I wasn't bad, I was just misunderstood back when I asked for a man's head on a platter" story. Putting a vampire twist on history and legend has been an excellent approach for shows like "True Blood," and this is an intriguing example of this principle. But nothing she's done since has been as compelling. She appears to have been involved in the liberation of Russell Edgington, which is, I guess, something one could do if one was bored and willing to dig up asphalt. However, what she's actually trying to accomplish remains a bit fuzzy around the edges. So she wants to promote the word of Lilith and torpedo all the mainstreaming "let's all be kind to humans" propaganda. This seems like a dubious goal, as the mainstreamers seem to have the better idea, promoting harmony with their food source and feasting freely if illicitly under the table on willing victims. By comparison, freaking out humanity and possibly stirring up some kind of inter-species war seems like a pretty strange plan.
Plus, Salome's weird religious machinations would also be a lot more intriguing if she took some kind of action that did justice to this cunning puppetmaster persona they've been trying to give her. Thus far, she's just kind of slinked and purred and slept around. I know girls just wanna have fun, but girls who seem to want to fill the world with vampire religion need to do a little more, and do it more cleverly. I haven't given up hope for her yet, but she's going to need to accomplish something by a device other than toplessness and sex if she's going to be a villain you can actually take seriously. And maybe, just maybe, she might need to explain why the hell we need a high body count and a public show of aggression to feed upon humankind when being surreptitous seems just as effective.
Salome: about as subtle as a naked chick lounging seductively on a bed can be.
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Bad-boy Bill also needs to go. Bill makes for a convincing doe-eyed lover, a brooding Boy Scout, and a fetching father figure for Jessica. But he is not much of a bad guy. We're too familiar with Bill as our moral compass to get comfortable with the notion that he'd throw it all away in some kind of weird, Lilith's blood-induced existential crisis. Ruthless is simply not a good color on him, at least not for continuous wear. I like to see little flashes of inhumanity in Bill, because it drives home why he and Sookie can never work; however much he may want to be human, he most certainly is not, no matter how hard he tries to fight his vampire instincts. But making him a permanent fixture on the Dark Side is kind of like making Harry Potter a Death Eater. It's just uncomfortable, unlikely, and uncalled for.
You know, Bill, when most people get rejected by an ex, they eat ice cream and watch sappy movies.
They don't eat young mothers and bomb factories.
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And Lilith. Oh, Lilith. I don't really know what you're about, but I'm tired of seeing your rack. Be more menacing. Be a compelling villain. Or at least be in a kimono, for the love of Bob. But be something other than a nude hallucination that makes fierce vamps into weird bloodthirtsy acid-freaks.
Boy, are those vampires gonna be mad when they find out she's just a
stripper covered in strawberry sauce...
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THE VERDICT AT THIS POINT: Vampire Stabler is gone, may he rest in gooey pieces, but Bad-boy Bill and Nutty Nora remain. At this stage, Bill's new Vader-face needs to be serving some kind of "take 'em down from the inside" purpose that we just haven't seen yet so that our former romantic hero isn't getting dirtied up for no reason. Nora needs to take a trip to the beach around midday and poof out of our lives. And Salome needs to learn to hatch cunning plots with her brains and not her pelvic area. Last of all, Bloody Boobs McGee (a.k.a. "Lilith") needs to become interesting or go the way of myspace and gracefully fade from our awareness.
WHERE'S THE LOVE?
"So I had the craziest dream about you, me, and Eric..." *awkward laughter*
"That's, um, not something you might consider, is it?"
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When the show began, it was driven by and hooked its audience with the desperate yet impossible love between Sookie and Bill. In some ways, they were beautifully suited to one another- she's tired of knowing what's on everybody's mind and his can't be read- and we clasped out hands through all their trials and tribulations and hoped those two crazy kids would work things out. Then, failing that, Amnesiac Eric entered the picture. Rendered temporarily into a doe-eyed waif where we're used to seeing a sneering badass, he stole our Sookie's plucky little heart and our hearts along with it. Now that Eric's back to borderline villainous normality and Bill has rendered himself persona non grata at Casa Sook, we're left romantically starved with no comparable substitute in sight. It's like gorging on hotcakes for four seasons and then being handed a bowl of salad. Um, WTF? Where's my sweet, carby goodness?
"Mmm, that's some good romance. Nom nom nom."
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For a (really) hot minute, it seemed like Alcide could've been a contender. Not only does he look ripped from the cover of a romance novel in all his shaggy-haired, rippling muscled-glory, but his valiant, noble, good-guy character is just what the doctor ordered in a romantic lead after wanna-be do-gooders with unfortunate violent tendencies and cold-eyed creeps who are only sweet when they're cursed and concussed. When he and Sookie ended one episode in a passionate embrace and began the next heading upstairs to the bedroom, all of our hearts went pitter-patter and as we clasped our hands to our heaving bosoms and mentally pasted our faces over Sookie's, smelling fresh romance a-brewing. And then, Sookie pukes on his shoes and Alcide suddenly forgets he was ever attracted to her. In some ways, who can blame him? Still, a little vomit on the shoes isn't exactly an insurmountable obstacle. Yet, it seems like within minutes of him confessing that bedding Sookie is all he's been wanting to do for a long, long time, he's gone back to his old pack and found himself a nice trashy werewolf girl. Because we all know how well that's worked out for him in the past.
Alcide Herveaux: Turn-ons include plucky mind-readers and
drug addicts in shorty-shorts. Turn-offs: vomit.
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This leaves us with an unfilled void, romantically speaking. If the intent of the show was to build up and then put obstacles between Sookie and her new impossible love, Alcide, there's an element of fail here. The fondness and sexual tension wasn't built up enough to drive home a sense of passionate yearning between these two before he went AWOL again. At this point, their one near-tryst just feels like a drunken hook-up gone bad. We have some mild sparkage and the faintest inkling that these two might gel, but not enough to sustain us while Alcide pole-vaults into a distant wolfy subplot and leaves Sookie with no one to pine for.
Well, Sook, it looks like you won't be needing this this season...
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Bereft of a love interest, Sookie does what any girl would do: she bitches about having lightning hands and occasionally hangs out with Claude and the Claudettes, trying to Scooby Doo her way through the mystery of her parents' murder. When she goes too far off the deep end- such as when she tries to drain her fae battery of juice so that she can just be a normal girl- luckily she has Jason to come and talk some sense into her. And the wrongness of this plotline is truly and completely driven home by the latter half of that sentence. Jason has to talk sense into her. I know. I'm scared, too.
The doctor is in. And yes, he's shirtless.
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THE VERDICT: There's really no help for this season now on the romance front. If Alcide abruptly flakes out on his new wolf lady because he suddenly remembers he was in love with Sookie, we're not gonna really want him to have her, now are we? And Bill and Eric have their own bromance to work through right now and absolutely no time for Sookie's nonsense. Hoyt and Jess are broken up and things are a little weird between Jess and Jason after that whole "he shot me in the head" thing. So it looks like everybody in Bon Temps is going to be ending this season feeling kinda lonely.But maybe, just maybe, they'll set us up a glimmer of hope for next season... Given that Sookie has a knack for pulling Bill back from the edge, maybe she can end up in jeopardy and make Bill realize that he wants to be an OK guy again, perhaps? Then we're killing two sucky plot birds with one sexy stone. And in season six, we can look forward to feasting on the hotcakes of love once more.
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S A MURDERED
MIDDLE EASTERN LADY WITH A CURSE
Now you've done it, Terry. You've pissed off a Balrog. Well done, jackass.
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Terry. Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry. So you shot a Middle Eastern woman a few years back and ended up riddled with guilt and a curse of death-by-ifrit. Buy some flame-retardant clothing, holster a fire extinguisher, and go back to being quietly weird and occasionally charming in the background. Now is not your time to shine. This plot and everything it embraces comes off as hokey and uninteresting. The only good thing about it is that it appears to be over. And all the villagers rejoice, especially now that your trigger-happy buddies aren't around anymore to shoot them for it.
No need for a verdict on this one. There was no upside, because this just wasn't the kind of plot that really does sweet, kinda screwed-up Terry justice. Let's just find a better way to use him in the future, mm'kay?
SEASON FIVE'S FINER POINTS
Lest it be said that I've cast off my Merlotte's shirt and lost my faith in the show like some kind of fair-weather Trubie, I do feel compelled to point out that what went well this season went very well, and with more of the same, we can still end season five with a smile on our faces. In particular, the shining stars this season have been the nontraditional relationships blossoming in the background. Because where our leading ladies and gentlemen haven't really brought us any chemistry to write home about, some of the folks around the fringes are knocking it out of the park. Let's review them, shall we?
PAM AND TARA
Say, it's Vampire Barbie and her friend, Skipper! Victim Ken sold separately.
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From the moment Sookie and Lafayette looked at Pam over Tara's limp, bloodied body with their eyes filled with Puss-in-Boots-caliber soulful pleading, I felt my spidey senses tingling. Not because I sensed danger that merited donning spandex, but because I strongly suspected I was about to see something genius. Pam, all on her own, has been in rare form this season, drolly drawling, "Color me impressed, you guys know how to party" upon discovering the most recent massacre in Sookie's kitchen of death. When asked to be Tara's maker, she continued to verbally rock my world by explaining that, seeing as Tara lost half her head to a gunshot wound, "who's to say she won't come out of the grave all f**ktarded?" Then, as Sookie questioned her commitment to her unwanted role as maker based upon Pam's reluctance to spoon with Tara's corpse while they went underground for the night, Pam snapped back, "I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y'all. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is."
This prompted a momentary thought of, "Pam, will you marry me? I'm straight, alive, and not fictional, but I still feel like we can make this work..."
Given her background, this is still probably not the creepiest cuddlefest Pam's ever had.
Except maybe for the flowery sweats. That is just... unsettling...
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Since they came out of the ground and Tara got over her initial "feral" stage, Pam and Tara have firmly established themselves as the perfect vampire odd couple. Pam is the sassy, queen bitch Obi-wan to Tara's pouty and annoying Anakin Skywalker, only I have a lot more hope for Tara growing a spine and ending the "why is everybody so mean to me" routine than I ever had for the Anakin of the prequels. Meanwhile, we're also getting a deeper insight into Pam's background and motivation. She's not just spiked heels, a Southern drawl, and feisty badassery. She has feelings, too. And because her internal struggle over her relationship with Eric and its effect on her feelings about being Tara's maker are so well-written and wonderfully acted, we actually care that Pam has feelings. Enjoy it even. If this is any indication of what this maker-makee bond is going to bring out in each character, then this, alone, may justify having to sit through the Authority blah blah blah.
TARA AND JESSICA
"You really get me. I'm so gonna follow you on Twitter."
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Being a vampire not only improved Tara's sense of pluck, it also gave her a more intriguing social circle. Our exhibit A is her bond with Pam, but equally as fascinating is the newbie commiseration between Tara and Jess during "Let's Boot and Rally." They were like the Baby Vamp Club, which is kind of like the Babysitters Club with more violence and slightly less giggling. And hopefully without babies because... awwww. Their mutual reflection over how badass life as a vamp can be may have been tragically cut short by a flash of "bitch, don't be eating my ex-boyfriend" fury, but for a moment there, it was sheer magic. And who knows? Given their mutual delight in blood-drinking and flexing their supernatural muscles, maybe all they need to do to move past this little misunderstanding is to go out for a bite. Seeing Jess as a mentor of sorts has its appeal, and it's good to see Tara acknowledge that with great fangs comes great good fun. So please, "True Blood," don't let this be the end of this duo!
RUSSELL EDGINGTON AND STEVE NEWLIN
*singing* "Hoooow much is that werewolf in the window? WOOF WOOF!
The one with the cranky ol' gran."
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Initially, I hated seeing Russell back. He served a purpose in the third season and was a sensational villain, but by the time he got sentenced to an asphalt nap by Bill and Eric, I was well and truly glad to be rid of him. His banter with the newly out n' undead Reverend Newlin, however, has breathed new life into his smarmy villain routine. Indeed, his courting gift of a werewolf puppy to his would-be squeeze took some of the annoying sting out of the scene in the last episode in which we witness packmaster J.D.'s sudden yet inevitable betrayal of Martha and his pack. (Cause nobody saw that coming, Martha, so who can blame you for backing this slack-jawed yokel over Alcide? Grrr... Bygones. Bygones.) Steve Newlin as a gay vampire is the bees knees, just oozing delightful, sunshine-and-rainbows-style evil, and Russell's more experienced, dangerous slink is just the right complement. One simply can't wait to see what these two marvelous monsters get up to next.
MORE SEASON FIVE MVPs
There's no "I" in "True Blood," but nonetheless, certain members of the "True Blood" team have risen to the forefront as individual standouts this season. There's probably no need to further discuss my regard for the wondrous Pam or my reverence for the Reverend Newlin, but lest I seem to have overlooked some of the other all-stars, I'm just going to give them a quick nod here.
JASON STACKHOUSE
Putting the "huh?" in "hunky" since 2008.
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I may have poked a little fun at our boy, Jason, earlier in the blog, but this has been a stellar season for the talented Mr. Stackhouse. Not only have his quotes rivaled Pam's for the status of "most likely to be put on a T-shirt", but his dawning self-awareness has given him more depth and relatability. Having been on a faltering journey of self-discovery since the beginning of season two, experimenting with religion, heroism, and being the caretaker for a pack of werepanthers, Mr. Stackhouse seems to be drawing closer to his destination. His growth along the way has been both convincing and endearing. At this point, Jason no longer does all of the foolish things Jason is naturally inclined to do without at least a thoughtful pause to wonder if it's the right thing or why he might be doing it. And his child-like valiance in the face of danger, even if occasionally misdirected or poorly executed, has made him one of the most likable characters on the show. He's come a long way from being a pretty but shallow slut-puppy who keeps stumbling into trouble. Now, even when he's engaging in dubious behavior, such as dalliances with his BFF's sexy ex, he does it with such helpless passion and soulful regret that you just can't be mad at him. Add in the fact that he's wearing that cop uniform like he's doing it a favor, and this is Jason's world and all the other characters are just living in it.
LAFAYETTE
How does Lafayette stay so spunky? He starts his day with some sass in his glass!
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Lafayette has always been the droll voice of reason in a forest of crazy bitches. With his unmatched sense of style, mesmerizing self-confidence, and advanced level of swag, if you're watching the show and not loving him, then you're doing something wrong.
In the middle of the season, Lafayette hit a weird patch with this whole dances with demons plot-line. However, now that he's stopped involuntarily turning into a blue Thundercat, he's back to being a whole heap of trouble and a mess of fun. His scenes with Holly and Arlene and then subsequently during the seance to contact Terry's deceased tormentor were absolutely genius, and more proof that Lafayette's sense of practicality and humor are firmly back in place. You understand, watching these episodes, how he's managed to survive so long living among so many weirdos. Lafayette looks after number one with all the grace and panache of a handsome stray, but keeps just enough compassion that it never gets to the point of unlikable selfishness. I hope to see him continue his trend of hilarity and confidence and end this season in style.
AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
All in all, "True Blood" has had its misses this season, and there's definitely room for improvement in the plot that was placed on center stage. However, this has just given some of our supporting characters an opportunity to steal the show. Nonetheless, I'd dearly like to see our main characters get their shit together. Bill needs to peel off his villainous mustache and reclaim the role of moral compass from Eric. Eric needs to happily hand over that crown and go back to being the cold, badass Viking with just the faintest hint of a sweet, gooey center. And Sookie's whining is getting very, very old. Bad things happen to her a lot, I get it. It sucks to be a supe sometimes, I'm sure. But at some point, you either suck it up or you feed yourself to Russell and let everybody go on with their lives. Besides, it's not all bad. Every hot guy in Bon Temps loves him some Sookie, and having super powers seems like a bit of an advantage when your world is crawling with weres and vamps. In essence, more than anything, I'd like to see "True Blood" get back to its roots, giving our heroine more pluck and less waaa and reintroducing a strong romantic plot. When you combine that with the sheer awesomeness already coming from Pam, Jason, Lafayette, Steve Newlin and Russell, even if the Authority keeps weeble-wobbling in the background, the show will still be dynamite.
