8 Things I've Learned from "The Walking Dead"

***SPOILER ALERT**** DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO THE MIDSEASON FINALE OF SEASON TWO!!!
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As the TV shows start trickling back in from their holiday vacations, I'm find myself still having to kill time while I wait for the stragglers. "New Girl" isn't actually new until next week. "How I Met Your Mother" gave us one new ep and then decided to slam us with a repeat. And I'm not sure, at this point, if "Cougar Town" is ever coming back. And unfortunately, "The Walking Dead" is at the back of the pack, shambling back onto AMC on Feb. 12th. So in the meantime, I put on random episodes of "The Walking Dead" after I run out of things On Demand that I haven't seen it and half-ignore them while I surf the net. At this point, having half-listened to every episode again twice, I've gotten to the point where I'm truly appreciating the lessons the zombie apocalypse has to teach. So to those who haven't quite reached the point of epiphany, I'll share what I've learned so far:

1. We never really appreciate having Jerry Springer to tell us who our baby-daddies are until he’s gone.
2. A parked Hyundai is a just a love machine. But it will work for somebody other than you, if they find it left abandoned after your untimely demise.
3. Being bald, even voluntarily so, turns you evil.
4. Squirrel intestines are the Wheaties of the zombie apocalypse. Wanna jump higher, run faster, and have the strength to crush zombie heads? Well, you better eat your squirrel parts!
5. If you are left handcuffed to a roof, maybe wait a little while before you decide to saw off your hand. Chances are, the moment you do it, the bastards who left you are going to show up to set you free.
6. Standards for pick-up lines go downhill after most of the eligible bachelors get picked off by zombies. “I would never have sex with you,” for instance, will apparently get things done.
7. A bird in the hand is still worth two in the bush. But a zombie kid in the barn is not worth more than any number of kids in the bush, because it just makes people sad.
8. Rolling downhill with a crossbow is waaaaaay worse than running with scissors.

So there you go. And someday, when you wake up one morning and realize that your neighbors are walking funny and chewing on people bits, you'll know how to handle yourself. Or at least the general philosophy to keep in mind.