Of Barn Fires and Magic Gas

All right, I've been off the grid for a while, but very dire things have been consuming my attention. First, we had all the TV season finales, which pretty much absorbed my undivided attention. Without going into excruciating detail, I'll give you a thumbnail sketch of how this season's shows left me:

(Caution- spoilers ahead. TURN BACK NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LA- Aw, you're screwed.)

The Walking Dead- "Beside the Dying Fire"- aired March 18, 2012- Walking Dead went down this season in a blaze of glory, and so did poor Hershel's farm. The body count skyrocketed as all of the red shirts who have been lurking in the background finally got picked off- that means you, Jimmy and Patricia!-  and our heroes had to haul ass to greener, less zombie-filled pastures.

"Hey, we heard you were giving out free wounded chickens!"

Original image found here. 

Highlights included:

1) The survivors jousting, knight-like, from inside of cars, gliding in and out of the fray with the designated shooters hanging of the window;

"Hi-ho, Ford pickup truck, AWAAAAAAY!"

Original image found here. 

2) In the midst of Maggie's nervous breakdown as she and Glenn are separated from the herd, Glenn finally tells the woman he loves her;

"Wow, confessions of love in a parked car always sound more sincere from the front seat."

Original image found here.

3) Angela gets left behind and goes on a marathon flight/zombie-massacre through the woods until she final collapses and is rescued by...

"What happened to my comrades? Well, let's just say that next time they'll think twice before getting handsy with a chick wielding a sword."

Original image found here.

We won't even go into Rick explaining that if they want him to the boss, he's gonna be the biggest boss since Tony Danza (ok, I'm paraphrasing a little...); the shocking revelation that everyone's infected and that any death, even if not from a bite, turns one into the undead; or the slow pan to the prison waiting in the distance, chock full of gym equipment and fresh, undropped soap. The end result? Sheer, unadulterated awesomeness.

If you missed the finale, or any episodes this season, check out the July 7-8 Preview Weekend on AMC, in which we receive a marathon of seasons one and two, fresh doses of Chris Hardwick-y goodness, and sneak peeks at Season 3!!!

Once Upon A Time-"A Land Without Magic"- aired May 13, 2012- "The Walking Dead" wasn't the only show that decided to go all action hero on our pansy asses. "Once Upon A Time" had a few swashbuckling scenes to make sure we were paying proper attention to the thrilling final chapter of season 1.

We returned to the story as Henry lays dying, having bitten the bullet, uh, apple, for Emma to prove to his Scully of a mom that all this magic hooey isn't hooey after all. Nevermind the mysterious accidents when people try to leave, mystical deaths, miraculously waking coma-patients, and the man who did a nose-dive out a window and appeared to have disappeared into his hat. What finally convinces our Doubting Thomas is the fact that Henry's symptoms aren't consistent with poison!

"If a doctor doesn't know what it is, it must be magic!"

"Um, weren't you on 'House'? And was it ever 'magic' on 'House'? Dumbass."

Original image found here.

Finally hip to the fact that she's been living amongst fairy tale creatures and is now going to have to send her roomie Mother's Day cards every year, Emma consults with Rumplestiltskin and discovers that the only way to save Henry is to retrieve the last bit of magic from inside the belly of Maleficent, who is trapped in dragon form below the town. And since Rumplestiltskin/ Mr. Gold has been so incredibly and unswervingly trustworthy all along, of course she runs to do exactly what he suggested.

"How is this not a face you can trust?"

Original image found here.

Meanwhile, back in the fairy tale world, we find out Emma's pops put the damn magic egg inside Maleficent in the first place while doing Rumplestiltskin's bidding. Of course, though, he did it to find a way to track down Snow, so we forgive him. This all leads us inexorably to the anti-climactic moment where he reaches Snow and finds out that she ate the apple and, rather than keeping the doctor away, it put her into a death sleep. They kiss, blah blah blah, and she wakes up and wuvs him dearly. They decide to tie the knot and as a wedding gift to themselves, to take back the kingdoms from their respective non-parents, the Evil Queen and the Not-So-Great-Either King. And kindly enough, nobody points out that Charming is actually really only entitled to inherit a sheep farm, not really being a prince n' all, because that would just be awkward.

"Cause if I told the girlies I was just a sheep farmer fresh out of lockdown, I wouldn't be getting no love, yo."

Original image found here.

Back in the "real world," the Queen has reneged on a promise to help Jefferson get his kid back (who despite diving into his hat when he fell out of a window a few episodes back, is still firmly in the world and recently claimed that the hat doesn't actually work anymore without being fed magic, which we're all going to conveniently overlook). This makes Jefferson angry, and you won't like Jefferson when he's angry, because he knows where you lock up your crazy people. He releases Belle, who Regina's been keeping in the nut house, and tells her to pop by Mr. Gold's and tell him "hallo" and, oh, maybe something about how Regina had her locked away.

This makes Mr. Gold angry and you won't like... Well, you'll never like Mr. Gold no matter what mood he's in, unless you're a weirdo. Or maybe a doe-eyed princess with a purring voice. 

"My eharmony profile says I'm looking for a cackling gold-skinned imp who can spin straw into gold and draft devious magical contracts. No smokers or Tauruses please."

Original image found here.

The upshot is that Emma slays a dragon and is OF COURSE double-crossed by Gold, who steals the egg for himself. Therefore Henry dies and is OF COURSE kissed awake again by his mom. This breaks the curse...

...ish.

The "ish" is due to the fact that the wee fairies are still people-sized, Jiminy is not a cricket, and Snow's 'do is still a bit butch. On the surface, absolutely nothing has changed. But underneath all this seeming of normality, everybody just got their memory back. And boy are they ticked.

We end with Regina in flight and a big magical cloud of gas that signifies magic being brought into this world by Mr. Gold. So while the tables have turned on our Evil Queen now, I get the feeling she's about to turn them yet again back on her lynch mob and get back up to her old tricks again. And her tricks aren't for kids!

PHWEW!

Ok, well, that was way more involved than I meant it to be. Whilst I may sound somewhat skeptical in places regarding "Once Upon a Time" and there are some weird little plot holes I hope they fill at some point, by and large I was suitably amused and impressed by the finale. And of course I loved "The Walking Dead" finale more than a fat kid loves cake.

Others may have let me down a little.

"The New Girl" finale, coming on the heels of fantastically hilarious episode after fantastically hilarious episode, felt a little "waa waa WAAAAAAAAAAH" to me. It seemed like a pointless contrivance to keep Nick and Jess apart to have Caroline zip back in and whisk him away and the "threat" didn't even last long enough to make it believable. The episode still had its funny moments, but after "Jess and Julia," "Injured," the "Fancyman" episodes, and "Kids," this was comparatively weak sauce, my friends. 

"GCB" also went down with a whimper, with a somewhat funny episode involving the ladies getting kidnapped in Mexico and stumbling around the desert in heels, but again, they were foiled by their own prior brilliance. Standing alone, the episode was fun. Compared to what we've seen from these gals in the past... it's C+ work from a straight-A student. 

There were others, but alas, I am fatigued. There's been a lot of to-do on my end since March, all TV-watching aside. I quit my litigator job, moved from Fort Lauderdale to Tallahassee to be a judicial clerk, and broke up with my boyfriend of about 2 and 1/2 years. I also finished my solo edits of the novel I've been writing for 10 years and sent it out to beta readers for testing and wrote a children's book for my nephew I'm hoping to get published. It's all good news, gentle readers. The ex and I were BFFs before he was a BF, so we've just reverted back to form, and things are still good there. Tallahassee is far more my speed, being as I'm a North Florida girl, born and raised, and despite taking a pretty decent pay-cut to make the move, the cost of living is so cheap here I'm pretty much in the same position financially. My new job rocks, the people at work are badass, and I am soooo much less stressed out. I'm also editing the novel I'm co-writing with my buddy, Sabrina, and essentially entering a cyclone of creative activity to rival Picasso's Blue Period. Only slightly less monochromatic. I like my colors, yo. 

In any case, I'll do my utmost to check back in with more nerdy nonsense soon!


P.S. Incidentally, I'll be hitting up Dragon*Con in the ATL come Labor Day Weekend. Hope to see some of my fellow Vixens and Ringers out in full force! Fangirl power!